Reflections into December

Stagnant.
The word itself gags me, sticking in my throat like it's mere utterance brings the sounds to life. It's where I am right now. It's a single word wholly encompassing how I'm slugging through my days. Standing still.
Stuck.
Not moving.
Here.
Here, but not present. It's where my mind is, and my body knows it. I feel as if I have no forward movement. I'm not letting go of the past, I'm not keeping my thoughts in these moments. I'm stuck, and true to every piece of life there is a reflection of this mind-set and it's showing itself as disease in my body.
Stagnant.
It's a foul-smelling, decaying sludge of the mind and it's oozing into my blood and body. I can feel it; I can see it, sometimes I even imagine I can smell it. And I'm letting it take over with it's spirit of excess. It's habits of indulgence; too much eating, too much drinking, too much idleness. It's a congestion of sadness and anger that needs swept from my mind and pushed through my veins. It's a bulge that has swelled to the point of demanding to be noticed. Denial, my greatest superpower and biggest weakness has failed.

And I combat it by forcing my body to move more often. By sleeping away from home, by pretending to have moved on. Things that I want, but only think I need. Those are the greatest forms of deceit I know, and they won't heal.

Healing will come from accepting this as my place right now. It will come from deep breaths and gentle reminders. It will come from acceptance without judgement; from tears and smiles. From the knowledge that the fluidity of mind will encourage the fluidity of body and neither will come without the unquestioning surrender to this path. From thankfulness, regardless of circumstance.

So today, with prayers, I accept that this is where I am. That, though I am not currently on a nomadic path, my mind is open to adventures of a new kind. That life has so much to offer me right here as long as my heart remains open to the journey. Trusting that as my mind heals, and I care for myself, so will my body.

As we enter a new month, one that promises to hold many changes of season, I look forward to the future with excitement, but without planning. By setting intentions and mantras to reflect on, I'll turn to these words and mindsets as I struggle with grace and peace:

I believe in myself.
I accept myself, unconditionally, right now.
I trust in this path before me.
I am proud of my capable body.
I am grateful to be here.